Mass Effect: Elevation
by R-I-C-A-R-D
Summary: A series of scenes mostly revolving around the many and long elevator rides in Mass Effect.
1. English or Englanders?

A lot has been said of the long load times disguised as elevator rides in various Mass Effect forums. These are some random elevator related scenes I put together.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a call to your travel agent.

1. English or Englanders?

"Sometimes, I think of weird stuff," Alison Shepard said as she, Lieutenant Alenko and Gunnery Chief Williams stood in the elevator car, enduring the abysmally long trip from the Presidium up to the Council Chambers. The long ride wasn't improved by the quality, or lack of, the elevator 'music.' Williams had heard from somewhere that the music had been composed especially for the elevators by a world famous four-piece salarian group. Famous on which world, she didn't know. Possibly Elysium, they had...strange tastes over there.

"What kind of 'stuff,' Ma'am?" Williams asked, taking the bait dangled tantalisingly by Shepard. The three soldiers had served together only a short time but already, Alenko and Williams were coming to realise that their Commander, the first human Spectre, mind you, had quite a lot of going on behind her cornflower blue eyes. And some of that was, frankly, odd.

"If a non-smoker started wearing nicotine patches, would they then become addicted to nicotine and have to take up smoking?" Shepard asked. From out of the corner of her eye she could see Alenko and Williams trading glances. She smiled slightly.  
"I honestly don't know what would happen, Ma'am," Alenko finally replied. Alison shrugged, maybe she'd buy herself a pack of nicotine patches and try it herself. It wasn't like she could expect to live a particularly long life, what with people constantly shooting at her and trying to take over the galaxy. Ashley shifted her weight from one foot to the other, and for want of anything else to do, cracked her knuckles.

"You're going to give yourself arthritis if you keep that up," Kaidan said.  
"Old wives' tale," Ashley replied, then to Shepard, "Why would a non smoker start wearing nicotine patches to begin with?"  
"Perverse curiosity? I can't be the first person to have thought about it," Alison replied.  
Then another idea hit her as the elevator crawled along.  
"Alright, if people from America are called Americans, why aren't people from Canada called Canadans?" Alison said.  
Alenko looked sidelong at Shepard's face, trying to determine whether she was making some obscure joke. She looked quite serious, however.  
"Um, well, I guess 'Canadans' just doesn't sound quite right, Ma'am," he finally answered.

Shepard blinked then turned to face him, idly brushing a few strands of raven hair from her smooth forehead as she did. "No, seriously, think about it. America, Ameri_can_. Canada, Canadian. Tell me that sounds right?"

Williams and Alenko traded glances and Williams shot a glance at the display of numbers inside the lift car, as the elevator rose up oh so slowly. "A person could literally _die_ of old age before this thing got to where it's supposed to," she muttered.

"OK, how about this then?" Shepard went on, completely oblivious to the looks her subordinates were giving each other. The looks, loosely translated said, Why does it have to _us_ trapped in a slow moving elevator with a deranged gun-toting woman? _For the love of God, why?_

"Why aren't people from England called 'Englanders?' Explain _that one_."

This time it was Williams who decided to meet the challenge implicit in the Commander's voice.

"Because, Ma'am, English makes more sense than Englander." She nodded to herself. She may only have a high-school education but Ashley Williams' parents didn't raise any fools.

"Oh, really?" Shepard replied, shifting her weight from one hip to another, causing Alenko to glance at her backside for a moment. "Ever been to New England, Chief?"  
"I think I flew over it in a dropship once, Ma'am."  
"Yeah well, guess what they call people from New England? New England_ers_. They aren't called the New English. So by extension, shouldn't people from England be called Englanders?"

Williams opened her mouth to reply but Shepard steamrolled right over anything she might have said. "What about New Zealand? People from there aren't called New Zealandish, are they?"  
Williams had to concede that, no, New Zealanders weren't called New Zealandish. She rolled her eyes in Alenko's direction. The Lieutenant smiled slightly.  
"And, on the subject of New Zealand," Shepard went on, "If there's a _New _Zealand, shouldn't there by an Old Zealand, somewhere? I'm gonna have to check out the maps back on the ship, but I don't think there is."

"OK. Ma'am what about Scotland?" Alenko put in. Williams placed a hand over her eyes. She began to wish she was back on Eden Prime, shooting it out with the geth. At least them she could understand.

"What about Scotland?" Shepard asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"Well, people there aren't called Scotlanders. They're called Scots. Because calling them Scotlanders is just strange."  
"Uh, huh. Unless they're from the Highlands. In which case they're called Highlanders. Hmm, makes you think, doesn't it?" Alison said to herself.

"Think about what, Ma'am?" Alenko replied. Williams resisted the urge to ram his head into the wall. _Stop feeding her elevator-induced lunacy, man!  
_"You know, about why people call things by the names they call them by. Too many people are content to accept conventional wisdom about stuff like that. Not me, though. Who's to say that just because something's 'conventional,'" Alison used her fingers to make quotation marks, "That it isn't wrong all the same?"

"OK, Ma'am, whatever you say," Williams replied, as finally, the elevator doors hissed open.


	2. Elevators of Rock

2. Elevators of Rock

"You know what's wrong with all these elevators?" Shepard asked during another interminable ride from the Council Chambers.

"The really long load times?" Williams asked.

"No, I mean besides that," Alison replied, glaring up at the speakers in the ceiling through which the godawful muzak flowed. "That music. Isn't elevator music supposed to be calm and soothing? Do you feel calm and soothed? I don't feel calm or soothed. Reminds me of this song by an old Earth rock group. _I'm not relaxed or comfortable, I'm aggravation and rage_," Shepard sang. Alenko peered closely at her. This was a woman of many talents. Not only was she a fine soldier and leader, she also possessed a decent singing voice.

"Ever sung in a group, Ma'am?" Alenko asked.

"Once. But the lead guitarist was such a prima donna, we ended up getting into it on stage. Five minutes into the first set, I punched her out. The crowd loved it, they thought it was part of the show."

Williams blinked. "So, if you had your way, what kind of elevator music would you have?"  
"For a start, it's gotta rock. I mean, full on electric guitars, bone rattling bass, big drums, fracking ampliers from _hell_, d'you know what I mean?"

"So basically you'd put a live rock band in the elevator?" Williams asked. Shepard's obsession with twentieth century rock was frankly, disturbing. Williams was sure that, if it wasn't against regs, that Shepard's office on the _Normandy_ would be wall-papered in reproductions of old band posters.

"Nah, just have the guys in charge of elevator maintenance play something with a bit of...mongrel, you know?"

Eventually, the elevator reached the Presidium level and the three soldiers emerged into the milling crowds. Off to one side was that hanar going on about the Enkindlers. He'd managed to draw quite a crowd. Shepard thought she may have made a slight error in purchasing an evangelical license for him. She shrugged. So long as the people he converted didn't try to convert her. "Um, where are we going, Ma'am?" Williams asked. They were supposed to be on a mission to stop the rogue Spectre Saren from doing whatever it was turians bent on galactic conquest did. Instead Shepard was leading them to one of the VI tourist terminals dotted around the Presidium. Shepard stepped up the holographic representation of a woman.

"Welcome to Presidium tourist information terminal three. I am Avina, how may I assist you?" The VI said.

"Who should I speak to about the music in the elevators?" Shepard inquired. Williams shook her head. "Oh God," she sighed. She really hoped that Shepard wasn't thinking what Williams thought she was thinking.

"The elevators are maintained by Citadel Central Control, accessible by the main elevator," Avina replied.

"Figures," Shepard said and logged off. She raised her hand and gestured for her comrades to fall in. They did so, reluctantly. Back in the elevator, Alison hit the button for Citadel Central Control, a name which conjured up images of rooms full of gleaming high tech equipment, and lab-coated salarians monitoring things.

Citadel Central Control was, instead, a litter-strewn room with flickering lights, mouldering carpeting and way too many empty pizza boxes stacked precariously around the place. There was a bank of computers at least. Though, looking at the rest of the place, they were probably being used for hosting all manner smut on the extranet. "I think we got off on the wrong floor," Alison said and turned to leave. A salarian entered from a side room, rubbing his hands together. "Oh, greetings, humans. I don't normally receive visitors. Most puzzling, actually."  
"You don't say," Alenko commented dryly. Ash chuckled.

"What can this humble servant of the Citadel do for you?" the salarian asked. Shepard looked past him at one of the computer monitors. A well endowed human female was gyrating around a vertical metal pole. "Nice screensaver," Alison said. The salarian might have blushed.

"Oh, that? Ah...a gift..from a friend! The screensaver program I mean, not the pole dancer. Heh." The salarian looked increasingly nervous.

"Look, I'm not here to bust you for illegal file sharing, OK?" Alison asked, palms held out in a placating gesture.  
"Illegal file sharing? What ever makes you think I'd have anything to do with that?" the salarian doth protested too much. Then he glanced down at his black shirt that bore the words, "Illegal File Sharing Pwnz!"

"Another gift," he said. "Now, can I help you with something?"

"You the guy in charge of the elevator music?" Shepard asked.

"I am indeed. Are you interested in purchasing copies of it?" the salarian replied.

"God no!" Shepard gasped, horrified. "No, I wanted to speak to about...putting in some new music."

"Why ever would I do that?" the salarian seemed insulted.

"Because the elevator music sucks like a nuclear powered Electrolux?" Ashley put in. Shepard covered a laugh with a hand. The salarian frowned. "That music was written especially for the elevators by an extremely famous salarian four-piece musical group."  
"Yeah, that's the problem right there. Nobody calls a band a four piece musical group. They call 'em bands," Shepard said and removed an OSD from the thigh pocket of her armour. A label on the OSD read Shepard's Mix Tape Volume XV. She handed it to the salarian. He pinched it between two fingers as though it may be infectious.  
"And what, pray tell, am I supposed to do with this?" he blinked at Shepard. She pointed to a digital music player, answered, "You might try playing it. See what you think. I admit, it's not to everyone's taste but it can't be any worse than that...dirge you call elevator music."

Reluctantly, the salarian placed the OSD in the player and immediately and frantically tried to lower the volume. Shepard placed a hand on his shoulder and said, "No. Crank it up to eleven. It's Rock. It's gotta be loud." The salarian clapped his hands over his ears and yelled, "What is that noise?"  
"Electric guitars."  
"Electric what now?" the salarian answered.

"You know, guitars," Shepard replied. "Stringed instruments? Originated on old Earth? Plug them into amps?" the salarian gaped at her, seeming to vibrate in time to the bass.

Williams and Alenko had retreated to the elevator, in an attempt to escape the ear-bleeding sound. Shepard meanwhile, was nodding her head in time to the music and playing an imaginary bass guitar. The salarian tried to make out the lyrics over the sounds of the instruments then gasped in shock. "Did he just say _suck my kiss?!_" he cried.

Shepard nodded, "Quite possibly."  
"I can't have such...inciteful things playing in our elevators. The asari will already jump on anything that catches their eye without any more encouragement."

Shepard raised a hand and nodded. "OK, maybe the Chilli Peppers is a little ill-fitting," she leaned over and pressed a button on the stereo. For a moment, silence descended. The salarian could hear his ears ringing. That couldn't be a good thing. Then he was jolted as another...'song' began to play. He listened for a while, trying to find something objectionable. Then opened his mouth and said, "What, exactly, is a Wonderwall?"  
"Y'know, people were asking that exact same question back when that song was released. They didn't know then and we don't know now."

"Well we can't very well play songs that don't _mean _anything! What will people think?" the salarian seemed properly scandalised by such a suggestion. Alison rolled her eyes and blew out a breath.

"You could at least _try_ to be co-operative, you know?"

"Allowing you to actually come into my sanctuary of calm and serenity with your...guitar music and...walls and such is more than co-operative!" the salarian said shrilly.

Shepard backed up a step. Cornered salarians were like feral cats. They tend to go for the eyes.

"Alright, look. I'll leave that with you. Play it for a bit and see what you think. You can even lower the volume if it'll make you feel better. Just think about it." Shepard rejoined the others and left the salarian to it.

"You think he'll go for it?" Shepard asked as the elevator began its long, slow descent to the Presidium.

"Hope springs eternal," Alenko replied.

Then something wonderful and amazing happened. The mind-numbing muzak ceased. There was a faint crackle of static then, guitar laden rock at an ear shattering volume poured forth from the speakers in a glorious wave of aural rebellion. Alison felt her chest cavity vibrating in time to the bass signature. "Oh yeah, that's the stuff right there," she said, voice vibrating.

Eyes closed, head nodding up and down Alison sang along, a huge smile breaking out across her face.

"So, the talk of the Citadel this week is music. Specifically what's known as 'rock and roll,'" the commentator of all things Citadel-ish said from the vidscreen inside the Embassy Lounge. "Let's cross now to our cultural affairs expert for her view." The scene changed to that of a severe-looking asari matron who looked as though she'd been force fed lemons, such was the puckering of her mouth.

"Gee, she looks like a real barrel of laughs," Shepard commented as she raised her beer glass. Liara sat beside her, trying very hard not to swoon all over the Commander. "She is one of the most respected asari in the system," Liara put in.

On screen, one of the most respected asari in the system wasn't amused. "This...music is a travesty!"  
"Oh now, that's a little harsh," Alison protested. At a table nearby, a human diplomat nodded in agreement.

"It is crude, brash, vulgar and very loud," the asari was saying.

"Duh, that's kinda the point," a passing waitress uttered. Shepard could have hugged her.

"Some might argue that such points of contention are the very heart and soul of rock music," the commentator interjected.

"Really? Then those people are fools!" the asari snapped, then ripped her microphone from her suit jacket and stormed from the set.

"Well, viewers, it seems our cultural affairs expert has stormed from the studios for another week. We cross now to our entertainment reporter, Joe King."  
"Yo, lissen up, a'ight? Cos dis _bleep _is da _bleep_, y'all know what I'm sayin?"  
Liara blinked her wide blue eyes, "What _is_ that man saying? What are those bleeps?"  
"Censorship, you gotta love it," Ashley replied.

The entertainment reporter, dressed in a ripped T-shirt with the words Where Are All the Bitches At?, jeans and cap turned around backwards continued, "Dis new elevator music? It's the _bleep_!"  
"Didn't he just say that?" Liara said, puzzled.

"An all o' you _bleep_ who don't like it? Well you can go and _bleeeeeeep_, a'ight? Peace out, bitches!"

"Well, thank you, Joe, for that scintillating commentary. I am Elizabeth Conroy, we'll see you next week."

Shepard eased back in her seat, eyes unfocused and listened to the various conversations going on around her in the Embassy Lounge. Opinions on the 'new' music, though it'd been floating around the ether for decades was divided. One faction, mostly younger humans professed to absolutely love the music, claiming it, like, totally _spoke _to them on, like a _spiritual level_ and that, like, all those old fogeys who didn't like it should just, like, you know, shut up, like? Shepard stifled a laugh by biting down on the inside of her right wrist.

Another, roughly equal sized faction, was of the opinion that the music was the product of diseased minds and should be banned _forthwith_ and all those found in possession of such music be punished to the fullest extent of the law. Oh, and that there should be witch burnings, as well.

A much smaller third faction felt that, instead of music, the elevators should be piping in the words of wisdom of the Enkindlers, so that all the peoples of the Citadel could benefit from their infinite glory. And Wisdom. Everybody in the bar put their drinks back down on their tables, ceased conversation, and turned as one to stare at the evangelical hanar who had floated in. "This one merely seeks to spread the word of the Enkindlers," it said.

"Alright, jellyfish, you've been warned," a trio of turian C-Sec agents got up from their seats and advanced on the hanar, hands going to their electro-prods.

Shepard collected her thoughts, rose and ushered the others out. Behind them, the Embassy Lounge had erupted into an all-in brawl. The speakers pumped out Queen's We Will Rock You at full volume.

"Maybe they're right. Maybe rock music _does_ promote anti-social behaviour," Alison mused as they returned to the _Normandy_.

A/N: Thought I'd note the song credits, to cover myself just in case. Referenced above in order: Like a Dog by Powderfinger, Suck My Kiss by the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, Wonderwall by Oasis and lastly We Will Rock You by Queen.


	3. Stuck in an Elevator

3. So This Turian, Asari and Salarian get Stuck in an Elevator...

It was bound to happen sooner or later. Bound to, Technician Second Class Monika St James thought to herself. The central elevator that serviced the Presidium, Council Chambers and everything in between had locked up in the shaft. It was stuck midway between Smoking Joe's Smoking Guns, where there's no smoke without guns and a place called Little Gina's House of Little Sins.

And who should be the ones to be stranded in the elevator? None other than the three most important, or, depending on your political leanings, idiotic people in the galaxy. The members of the Citadel Council.

"Aren't there supposed to be laws in place to prevent this kind of thing happening?" Monika, a young brunette woman asked her superior, Technician First Class Billy Bob Jenkins. No kidding around, that was his name. Said so on his ID badge.

"What kinda laws, sugar?" Billy Bob asked. Monika hated it when he called her Sugar. Or Lovey, Darlin, Muffin and such. Which is precisely why he did it. She was so cute when she was ticked off.

Monika's knuckles turned white as she tightened her grip on her diagnostics kit.

"I mean, regulations that prevent all three Council members from being incapacitated at the same time. They should have used the elevator one at a time. Instead, we have all three of the arrogant bastards stuck in there," Monika waved a hand at the lift shaft. An access panel had been removed, revealing neatly bundled cabling and circuit boards. She'd just finished running a series of tests with her omni-tool but whatever the problem was, it wasn't in there.

"Bastards? Now, missy, that ain't no way to be speakin' of your betters," Billy Bob chided her. "Sides, the asari would more properly be called a bitch, what with her being a woman, and all." he nodded to himself.

"Bastard, bitch, whatever. They're still arrogant..." Monika took a deep breath. Her anger management classes were supposed to be helping her relax and deal with her rage issues in more constructive ways. "You know what? Why don't we just get the elevator running again so I can go home?" There, she managed to say that without swearing or even raising her voice. Mother would be so proud.

Monika activated the microphone in her omni-tool and spoke into it, addressing the three Council members over the elevator speakers. "Um, hello in there? Is everybody OK?"

A pause then the turian answered. He of the gruff demeanour and borderline xenophobic attitudes to humans. "We are trapped in a cursed elevator with this horrendous...music playing at full volume. No, we are rather not 'OK'"

"Well, least they're still alive, Muffin," Billy Bob answered, smiling. He considered simply breaking out the plasma torch, cutting a hole in the side of the lift shaft and getting the trapped aliens out that way. Be a right bastard to fix the damage though. On the other hand, he _was_ Paid By The Hour. The four sweetest words in the galaxy. Right up there with Free Beer.

Monika glared at Billy Bob over her shoulder, brown eyes sparking with barely suppressed fury. She took a deep breath, held it for several seconds and breathed out, her shoulders slumping as her lungs emptied. _god grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference_. The words rattled through her head rapidly. Monika turned back to the exposed control panel in the lift shaft.

Trying a different tactic, Monika interfaced with the VI that controlled certain elements of the Citadel. Namely the elevators. And the downstairs toilets. "Gregor, this is Monika St James requesting status report on the main elevator shaft."  
"Status: the primary elevator shaft is under lock down due to a mechanical failure of the elevator car."

Monika blinked. Involuntarily, her hands balled themselves into fists, fingernails cutting little crescents into the palms of her hands. She forced herself to relax her hands. The fingers opened reluctantly, creaking.

"Yes, Gregor, I am well aware that the shaft is locked. What I want to know is _why_ is there a mechanical failure in the elevator?"

"I apologise, but I have no useful data on that topic," the VI replied. _God defend me from VIs who think they know what's useful!_

"I'll decide what's useful and what isn't, OK?" Monika heard Billy Bob chuckle as the older man lit up the plasma cutter. Why did she even bother? Here she was trying to finesse the problem and there _he _was, getting ready to cut bloody big holes in the fracking lift shaft!

"OK, Monika, deep breaths..."

"You guys look like you could use some help," a woman's voice said in greeting. Monika and Billy Bob looked up. Then their mouths fell open as Commander Shepard stepped up beside them.

"Oh, wow! You're famous. I...oh geez," Monika babbled. Billy Bob merely admired what he could see of the woman's curves. Which wasn't a lot, the Commander wearing her armour.

"Problem with the elevator?" Alison asked, taking in the diagnostics gear and plasma cutter.

"Um, yes, Ma'am!" Monika said. She glanced at Billy Bob, whose eyes were locked like targeting sights onto Shepard's chestal area. Monika shook her head, brown hair shifting from side to side. Men.

"And we seem to have the Citadel Council stuck in there as well," Monika continued. Shepard's blue eyes sparkled in amusement.

"Really? How...unfortunate for them," Alison said and stifled a laugh. Over the open communication line she heard a faint hammering coming from inside the elevator car and a voice said over the speaker in Monika's omni-tool, "For the love of the Goddess, get us out of here!" Alison could also hear the sound of loud punk-rock as well. Excellent. "How long have they been in there?" she asked.

"Going on for an hour now," Billy Bob said, managing to string together a coherent sentence _and_ look her in the eye as well. Truly, it was a momentous occasion, Monika thought.

Shepard laughed until she was gasping for breath and tears trickled down her face. "Oh, man! An hour...I should call up Emily Wong so she can get the exclusive on when they finally come out..." and she was off again. Monika smiled. She wondered if Shepard had rage issues. Looking at her right now, you wouldn't think so. Must be nice, to be able to go about your business at peace with yourself. She sighed wistfully.

After a few minutes, Alison managed to get herself under some semblance of control. She wiped her tears of mirth away and sighed contentedly. "If you like, I can call in my tech people to have a look at the problem for you," she offered.

"Commander, that'd be great," Monika answered. Billy Bob nodded enthusiastically, still eyeing the Commander's chest. Shame about that armour, he thought. Alison spared Billy Bob an annoyed glance and said, "Take a picture, slick, it'll last longer." Billy Bob eagerly brought up his omni-tool to capture her image. Alison placed a hand firmly on his arm and pushed it down to his side. "Back home, we call that 'sarcasm,'' she said.

"Oh," Billy Bob said, "I knew that." Monika snorted laughter.

Alison rolled her eyes. Men. Here she was, risking her life trying to protect people like Billy Bob and all they saw when they looked at her was the embodiment of their sex fantasies. It was really depressing. And it wasn't like there wasn't a shortage of ways for a sex-deprived reprobate like Billy Bob undoubtedly was to get his rocks off. But then again, he probably couldn't afford the exorbitant fees charged by the Asari Consort, thought Shepard. Still, there was porn on the extranet for a reason!

Putting sex-obsessed mechanics out of her mind, Shepard opened a comm line to the _Normandy_. It took a while for Joker to answer. "Sorry Commander, I was just coming out of the crapper," he said apologetically.

"Thank you _so _much for that piece of imagery, Joker. Now my life is complete," Shepard answered.

"Um, thanks, I think," Joker answered as he carefully settled himself into his chair. "What do you need, Ma'am?"  
"Tell Tali, Garrus and Kaidan to meet me at the elevator shaft at the Presidium level of the Citadel. We're gonna do our bit to enhance inter-species relations."  
"How so?"  
"We're gonna help rescue the Council who managed to get stuck in the elevator," Alison replied, smiling. Joker's reply was lost as he burst into uncontrollable laughter. Alison broke the connection.

Then she asked Monika to open a line to the elevator. Immediately, the turian councillor began barking at her. "What is going on out there? We demand action, now!"

Alison glanced at Monika who shrugged. "I'd hate to see what he's like on a bad day."

"This is Commander Shepard-"  
"Shepard! What are _you _doing out there?" the turian cut in. Rude bastard.

"Trying to get the three of you out of there. Sir," Alison said politely. Monika was impressed. If it had been her talking to the guy, she'd have been cursing her head off by now.

"Well hurry UP, damn it!" he demanded. Alison wondered what had happened to the other two. Maybe the turian had killed and eaten them. He seemed the type.

"I've requested some technical expertise from members of my crew, sir. We'll have you out of there shortly."  
"Fine, but can you _please_ do something about this accursed noise?"

Over the comm line, Alison could hear U2's Stuck in a Moment You Can't Out Of. She smiled to herself.

"We'll see what we can do," she said. Then she removed the business card with Emily Wong's details from a pocket on her webbing.

Garrus, Tali and Kaidan arrived a few minutes later and between the three of them, managed to diagnose the problem. "Dust," Tali pronounced.

"Huh?" Billy Bob demanded. He didn't trust quarians as far as he could spit.

"Dust," Tali repeated. "Somewhere in the filtration system is a filter that hasn't been properly cleaned. For some time, by the look of things." Tali shook her helmeted head. To think that this space station could be crippled by something as prosaic as dust. Tragic.

"Pardon my French, missy but that is bullshit!" Billy Bob said and balled his fists. Garrus stepped between him and Tali. "Sir, please back away or I will be forced to hurt you," he warned.

"Better do as he says," Alison said, "I can't control him when he's like this."

Billy Bob picked up his plasma cutter and waved Monika over tersely. "Fine, whatever. We're outta here."

"Toodles," Alison said as Ms Wong arrived. With her camera crew. Oh this would be fun.

Finally, after over an hour, the elevator doors opened onto the Presidium level and the turian, asari and salarian staggered out, disheveled and extremely out of sorts. And they seemed to be less than impressed to see Shepard, smiling insanely, her crew and that damnable Wong woman thrusting a microphone into their collective face. "What was it like being trapped in that elevator?" Emily asked, breathlessly.

"No comment," snapped the turian. The others nodded and attempted to push past. By now, however, a sizeable crowd had formed around the elevator, hemming the Councillors in. The one thing they utterly loathed above all else was being forced to actually deal with the teeming hordes of plebs and their inane problems.

And now they were actually _surrounded _by them. Breathing all over them. The asari looked back at the elevator. It was almost better in there than out here. The people, drawn from every species in the galaxy were clamouring for requests for audiences with the Council, pleading for increased rationing in the Wards and even complaining about the price of alcohol in the strip club up on level 576. Maddening!

At the rear of the surging crowd, barely held in check by burly C-Sec guards, Shepard looked at each member of her crew in satisfaction. They'd gotten the Council members out safely _and_ forced them to actually deal with the problems people brought to them, instead of brushing off their concerns. Shepard smiled to herself. All things considered, bribing that disgruntled maintenance tech the other day to 'forget' to clean the filters had paid off splendidly.


	4. Thin Walls

And finally. This has nothing to do with elevators, but the entire set up struck me as comic gold.

Thin Walls

1245 hours Galactic Standard Time. Joker checked the chronometer display in the _Normandy's_ bridge. The Commander had received orders from the top brass - something about a rogue VI and lots of death and destruction. Hackett had ordered Shepard to investigate. In other words, business as usual on board the good ship SSV _Normandy_. Joker swept the nav display with a careful glance. The board was green. Joker engaged the auto-pilot and decided to go for a walk around the ship. Which was a great deal more complicated than it sounded. A simple act like say, getting out of the pilot's seat could, at worst, shatter his femurs. Moving oh so carefully, Joker retrieved the crutches that were racked into the bulkhead beside his seat and very carefully levered himself upright.

Hobbling along the decking that ran between the rows of sensor stations, Joker made his way to the CIC and decided, more or less on a whim to look in on Shepard. No reason but she made a point of touching base with her officers and crew and he decided to return the favour. As he neared her office door, he heard some decidedly odd sounds coming from within and paused to listen. He wasn't spying on the Commander. Not technically but it seemed prudent not to go barging in unannounced. If even half the scuttlebutt was true, both Lieutenant Alenko and that cute asari girl, Liara had a thing for the Commander. Of course, being the consummate professional that she was, Shepard went out of her way not to show any kind of personal interest in her crew. Be bad for morale if the Commander shacked up with say...the pilot for instance. Joker grinned widely. That'd be a real hoot. Knowing his luck, his fragile bone structure would break into teensy litte pieces if Shepard so much as put her arm around his waist.

So, Joker paused near the entrance to Shepard's office and listened. Soon his eyes widened and his mouth fell open.

"Oh my God! That's goood!" Shepard's voice said ecstatically. _Hello!_ Joker thought to himself. Could the Commander finally be letting her guard down? No, she just wasn't built like that.

"By the Goddess! Shepard, I never knew it could be like this," Liara's voice cried huskily. Joker's eyes almost bugged out of his head. Shepard...and Liara...SEX?

"Gee, I hope Alenko doesn't choose this exact moment to come down here," Joker said as the moans intensified.

"Shepard, it feels so wrong but at the same time, so right!" Liara gasped.

"Liara, trust me, just go with it!" Shepard urged her on. Joker began to feel quite uncomfortable. He was leaning over his crutches, breathing in shallow gasps and a sheen of sweat was on his forehead. He counted himself lucky that nobody else had noticed him yet. Or the sounds from within the Captain's quarters.

"After that first taste, I just want more!" Liara almost shrieked. Joker jerked upright, losing his grip on one crutch and fell forwards into the door.

The door slid open with a quiet hiss, dumping the pilot face first into Shepard's office. Awkwardly, Joker looked up at Liara and Shepard.

And saw them both, fully clothed, sitting in chairs across from each other...eating pizza?

"What the hell?" Joker grunted and tried to pull himself up.

Alison, slice of pizza poised between slightly parted lips and dripping melted cheese onto the floor, looked up to see her helmsman sprawled out on the deck in front of her, his crutches alongside him. She placed the pizza back in the box and got up, eyebrows so high on her forehead they had practically migrated to her hairline.

Alison wiped her fingers clean on a paper serviette and, with Liara's help, got Joker back on his feet again. That they managed it without crippling him further was nothing short of a miracle.

"Joker, way to make an entrance," Shepard said. Joker was looking down at the floor.

"Lieutenant, are you all right?" Liara asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine...I was just...ah.." Joker trailed off.

"Standing outside the door listening in on us?" Alison finished for him. "And what, exactly were you listening for?" she went on, fighting to keep a stern look on her face.

"What are you two doing in here?" Joker waved a hand around the room.

"Eating pizza, what else did you think we doing?" Shepard replied.

"Well, the way you two were moaning and carrying on I thought...you know," Joker said, a blush rising on his face.  
"Oh, by the Goddess, you actually believed that Commander Shepard and I were..." Liara finished in a low voice, "having sex?" she looked mortified. "Oh my...what will the crew think!"

"Well, you should have heard yourselves, 'Oh my God, that's goood!'" he mimicked Shepard. Alison put a hand to her forehead and muttered, "Shit..."

"Yeah, and Liara, you were all like, 'it feels so wrong but so right!'" Joker said in a falsetto voice. Liara closed her eyes and hung her head. "Oh Goddess!"

"Yeah, like that!" Joker shook his head. "And the whole time...you were eating pizza?"

"Yeah, pizza," Shepard said defensively, arms folded across her chest.

"Must be really good pizza, for you two to be going on like that. I swear, it sounded like a damn porno flick!" Joker laughed to himself. "Ever thought about a career as a phone-sex operator?"

Alison glared at him. "It's really good pizza. I mean, I haven't tasted a pizza this good...ever."  
"I agree," Liara replied, looking calmer. "The pineapple...oh my...the pineapple!"

"Pineapple?" Joker blinked.

"Yeah, pineapple! Actual, real pineapple, not the crap that comes out of the food processors," Alison licked her lips and sighed. "Damn good pineapple."

"Can I try a slice?" Joker asked hopefully. If it had the Commander going on like the soundtrack to Asari Sex Godesses Part Four - The Shagging, it had to be good. Alison nodded and lifted a piece from the box, placed it on a clean serviette and handed it to Joker. Leaning against the bulkhead, Joker bit into the pizza, chewed for a few seconds and felt absolute bliss. His eyes closed and a look of ecstasy came over him.

"Oh my God! Mmmm, Shepard...oh God that's good!"

Outside Shepard's office, Lieutenant Alenko stood stock still, mortified beyond belief. Commander Shepard...and Joker? Before he could leave, the office door opened, revealing the Commander, Liara and Joker. Kaidan's eyes almost popped out of his skull. A _threesome?_

"Oh hey, Kaidan," Joker said, "Care for a slice of pizza?"


End file.
